Reflecting on Racism. The hate you give and take.
Coming of age in America as a person of color means not only leaving the pleasant, safe and secure world of childhood, but also entering an adult world that was not designed for people who look like me.
I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Danielle Geathers, the first Black student body president of MIT, for my podcast, Keepin’ Kozy. One thing that she encouraged everyone listening to do was to reflect on their own history with hate, and to think about the times that you personally added to the problem, and we all have.
Sometimes, it feels hard for me to do this, and for two reasons: First, going back means revisiting those times where people either intentionally or unintentionally said mean things to me. Second, it means thinking about all of the dumb, immature, and foolish mean things I would say regularly when I was in high school and early on in college to elicit attention in the laziest ways.
The town I am from in Long Island is primarily Jewish and Asian. On the surface this seems like a recipe for less racial animosity, as both Jews and Asians are minorities in America. On the whole yes. From my experience, there were seldom cases of real targeting based off of race or religion. That said, there was a clear racial divide in social groups, the Asians stayed with Asians and the whites with whites. As Danielle mentions in her interview, while there were times where I had explicit racism directed at me, most of what I experienced was forms of “othering.” Yes, while there were overt things that would happen, with someone I know calling my skin “poop color” as recent as tenth grade of high school as “just an edgy joke”, it was the more common people mistaking me for other brown kids or the fact that the “cool kids” were always white no matter where I went that made me feel “othered.” While I was always able to find friends, I found that my race did always inevitably come up in conversation. I have come to realize that race coming up in conversation isn’t bad necessarily, especially if its a learning cultural experience, but there are lines to this.
One of the ways I used to distract myself from this, and to build “clout” was to start saying offensive things. In group chats or around friends, I would always like to push boundaries, reveling in my ability to troll. I never realized that by engaging in racist, sexist, homophobic behaviors, even with the excuse of “edgy or dark humor” I just was perpetuating the strength of a system in which I myself was subjugated. Perhaps the core of my desire to troll was a desire to feel power over someone else, even if it was just a group chat with me and other Asian and white kids, saying those “offensive things” back in high school made me feel like I was superior or big, in a time in which I so often would feel like just the opposite.
It has taken me a while, some very helpful friends and leaving my personal bubble and entering a more diverse school like Boston College, for me to understand just how dumb my behavior was back then. To the friends and professors who helped me with this, I am so eternally grateful to them, for having the patience to explain that jokes really can make people feel terrible, and
What is interesting for me to note, is that when I tell this story of how I used to, as a person of color, engage in this olympics of offensiveness, it often leads to other people who also have been trolls or done stupid racist, sexist, homophobic or bigoted things in the past, who have since moved on, to open up to me. Many tell me of their group chats that were much like mine in high school, and how they regret so much who they were then. Many sadly feel as though their previous mistakes preclude them from taking up the fight now, afraid that they will be called hypocrites. This is something that needs to change. Everyone’s coming of age story is complex, with peer pressure, media stereotypes, and general joy of misbehavior can lead kids to do or say offensive things. Those past actions shouldn’t be reasons for why they shouldn’t fight, but rather should be motivators for why they should fight ten times harder. It is important for movements of change to embrace these kinds of allies, the ones who are trying to be better.
The world is changing, and my belief is that it is a change for the better. It is important that we all reflect on our own relationships with hatred, and aim to be better allies for people and causes that need it.
My hope is that modern movements that aim to bring about meaningful change towards a more just society, do so in a way that does not make exiles out of potential allies. Hate doesn’t defeat hate, understanding and patience does.
